Steps To Getting Really Creeped Out...

1. Watch some of these videos:







2. Look at this link:

http://offender.fdle.state.fl.us/offender/flyer.do?personId=2530

3. Be super creeped out.

(thanks to Gem of the Worst Fucking Ideas blog for the scoop on this dude)

The Funniest Porn In The History Of Porn

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Why Drake Matters

So loyal blog readers will most likely know that I am a fan of the hip-hop. Or "rap" if you will. I have layers of white guilt about this, co-opting black culture and all. But that's a subject for another post. Right now I have but one goal...to get everyone on earth to respect how great of a rapper Drake is and how he will one day run the hip-hop game.

My love for Drake all started with his sadistically catchy single "Best I Ever Had" (which I posted about a few days ago). It's the epitome of a summer banger; up-tempo beat, super catchy chorus, bitingly clever rhymes. It's a perfect jam. But if you look below the superficial and really dig deep into Drake's wordplay, you hopefully notice what I did: a sense of brutal honestly and a relatability that's missing from a lot of commercial hip-hop being made right now. For example, instead of your usual barage of "my girl gives good head" lines or something equally simplistic. Drake has the wits to lay a line on us like this:

"You ain't even have to ask twice
You can have my heart or we can share it like the last slice.
Always felt like you was so accustom to the fast life
Have a nigga thinking that he met you in a past life
Sweat pants, hair tied, chillin' with no make up on
That's when you're the prettiest
I hope that you don't take it wrong
You don't even trip when friends say you ain't bringing Drake along
You know that I'm working late I'll be there soon as I make it home"

It almost reads like a diary entry on paper but Drake has the flow to pull it off with swagger and make it fit right along side the sing along chorus "you the fucking best, you the fucking best, you the fucking best. Best I ever had, Best I ever had".

Exploring the deeper cuts on his "So Far Gone" mix-tape, a different and more complex image emerges even further still. It is an image of young rapper laying his heart on the line and truly foregoing the bullshit so prevalent in 90% of hip-hop. Sure, there's an underlying swagger and an occasional throw away line...but the pulse of the record are songs like "Successful", in which he sings,

"I want the money, money and the cars, cars and the clothes, the ho's...I suppose. I just want to be, I just want to be successful".

It's a testament to the trust he builds on the record that you can't help but believe him. And in case you don't quite buy it, he sells it in the line "I want things to go my way, but as of late a lot of shit been going sideways". In the age of so many MC's going on and on about how much fucking money and clothes they have, it's so eye opening to hear somebody honestly admit that they want to be there (who doesn't?) but might not quite be there yet.



Without harping on the honesty factor in Drake's rhymes too much, I have to give praise to the stunning centerpiece track on "So Far Gone", a song called "Say What's Real". The track clocks in at a little over 3 minutes and features no chorus, just 3 minutes of straight, raw flow. My personal favorite moment of the entire album comes at the mid-way point of "Say What's Real":

"I quit school and it's not because I'm lazy
I'm just not the social type
and campus life is crazy.
Understand I could get money with my eyes closed.
Lost some of my hottest verses down in Cabo
so if you find a Blackberry with a side scroll
sell that motherfucka to any rapper that I know...
cause they need it much more than I ever will
cause I got new shit
and I'm gettin better still"



It's one of those bravura performances that make you think "I am witnessing the birth of a game changer". In fact, I think Drake himself sums up how I feel about him and his place in the future of rap, in the closing moments of "Say What's Real":

"I think this got that "making of a legend" feel
problem with these other niggas they
ain't never real".

Turning Into A Fanboy But I Can't Help It

The Tig Series: Zach Galifianakis from BYT Media on Vimeo.

I FUCKING LOVE THIS MAN. Can you say "bro-ner"?

According to my ITunes I Have Listened To This Song 52 Times

And I only downloaded it early yesterday. Yeah, it's one of THOSE jams. The kind you listen to a couple times before bed and then in the morning you listen to it again because you somehow missed it in your sleep.

Look, I know I've been going ape shit on the hip-hop/summer jam posting recently but this song is too deadly to overlook. It is literally "the pimp shit". Don't sleep on Drake:



And since you'll have a deadly urge to listen to again right away, listen to the R Kelly remix...if only for the reason that it contains the phrase "sandpaper dick":

One Reason To Visit Myspace...

We're all running out of reasons to check myspace these days. It's old news. But here's one:

http://www.myspace.com/laikacosmonaut

I'll assume the check is in the mail, Rupert Murdoch.

Lil Wayne Killing It For the 2nd Day in a Row

Lil Wayne is practically synonymous with Summer for me (as yesterday's post alluded to), and this new jam he just made for the Finals is another brilliant song...also, being a giant Lakers/Kobe fan myself doesn't hurt.

Summer Jam

This is my song of the summer. Is Lil Wayne ever not on point? Hot damn. This is the "Everygirl" single from his Young Money posse (featuring Drake, amongst others):



I don't think the official video has dropped yet so enjoy the dynamic still of Lil Wayne in the meantime. Any song where the chorus is "I wish I could fuck every girl in the world" is ok in my book.

Great Article on Zach Galifianakis

NY Times, Bitch.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/31/magazine/31Galifianakis-t.html?_r=1&hpw

Shitty Unicorn Tattoos

The phrase "shitty unicorn tattoo" seems overly redundant. Obviously, a tattoo of a unicorn is going to turn out badly. But there takes a certain kind of idiot to get...say, a tattoo of a unicorn with a penis instead of a horn. The good folks over at holytaco.com have taken the liberty of compiling a collection of the worst of the worst in a story they dubbed "30 Awesomely Bad Unicorn Tattoos".

Link:
http://www.holytaco.com/30-awesomely-bad-unicorn-tattoos-gallery

Sample:






(thanks to the lovely Willow for the link)

Sam Did This

FOJer Sam wrote this:
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_tell_if_hobos_live_behind_your_house

He didn't do these but they are equally as funny:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081017195134AAWT7Ez


http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080627035100AAZ6FFu

Real Men Cry Real Tears

Lately I have been just a giant weepy sack of shit. Here's a list of things that have either made me bawl or at least just brought a literal tear to my eye recently:

1. Kobe Bryant and Carmelo Anthony hugging it out after Game 6 of the Western Conference Finals. Bros first, competitors second.

2. Mike Tyson's daughter dying. I blame it entirely on James Toback, whose documentary on Tyson led me to actually caring about and respecting the man.

3. That scene in Finding Nemo where Dori tells Marlin how she remembers stuff better with him around and doesn't want to be alone.

4. A song that my friend Leah wrote and recorded a long time ago that she gave to me on a CD-R that I forgot about and now listening to it I remembered how cool and hot she was and how she lives in Korea or some shit now.

Smooth Move, Bro.

Recently, on a friend's facebook status:



Subtle, dude.

I take it this guy wouldn't fair very well on a virtual date.

Follow Me

Ok, so I sold out to the man and signed up for twitter. But I'm not just saying shit about my day like "today I ate ice cream for breakfast LOL", I'm hopefully contributing to the great good of tweet society. Like for instance, I am tweeting some original yo mamma jokes based on the MTV show "Yo Mamma", which I watched for the first time recently.

So follow me, I'll follow you and we can get this party started right:
@jasonryaniscool

Another Weekly Musical Round-Up

SEBADOH

2 music posts so close together? You know it's a slow week here at FOJ HQ. But seriously, lately I CANNOT stop listening to old Sebadoh records. It's the perfect late Spring/early Summer music.







Nuff said. Hot damn. Lou Barlow 4 lyfe. Do yourself a favor and dig "Bakesale" off of your dusty CD shelf and pop major jam boners all weekend.

This Is What I Do In My Free Time...

In my defense...it really does look a dick.

The Brilliant Banter of Seattle's Burgeoning Comedy Team (via GChat)

An Oldie But A Goodie

This is a sketch I co-wrote and starred in a couple of years ago. It is essentially the first "Friends of Julius" sketch that was ever made. Enjoy it. Please?

David Wain's Dating Tips

As a director, comedian, and oversexed Lothario, David Wain has met and romanced many a Hollywood starlet. Perhaps that's why his video series "Wainy Days" -- in which he plays against type as a bumbling loser at love -- is so psychologically complex (and really funny). With the fourth season currently being rolled out on My Damn Channel, we asked David to teach us how to find that special lady...

http://www.asylum.com/2009/05/21/now-you-can-master-the-art-of-dating-the-david-wain-way/

(ed. note - this is pretty damn funny)

Jason's Weekly Musical Round-Up

SUNSET RUBDOWN EDITION.

OK. I fucking love the shit out of this band. When their forthcoming album, "Dragonslayer" leaked earlier this week I practically jizzed in my pants. Since then I have listened to the record at least a dozen times and while I will admit it's a bit of a slow burner (no radio friendly jams to be sure), it might rank up high on many "albums of the year" lists come December. 10 minute long songs about girls named Anna and fighting dragons might not be for everybody but anybody who likes their music complex and awesome with a side of pop (lead singer Spencer Krug is 1/2 of the songwriting duo that makes up Wolf Parade) then be sure to listen to "Dragonslayer" when it officially drops next month. Below is a little sample, my favorite song off the record so far, "You Go On Ahead". If it isn't your thing for the first couple of minutes aren't enough to grab you, skip ahead to around the 4 minute mark and marvel in the brilliant pop bliss that is the last 2 minutes of this song. Seriously, it's probably the song of the year.



As an added bonus, here's a video of the band doing a really early version of the song from "Black Cab Sessions":

Well, this would have been awesome...

http://www.funnyordie.com/blog/posts/15855

And speaking of Will Ferrell...did anybody else catch him on the SNL Season Finale? I sort of forgot how fucking funny he can be. I sort of started sleeping on him when "Bewitched" came out but obviously short form stuff and sketch is where Will Ferrell shines. I mean, just watch how brilliant this is. A botanist and stand-up comedian at a funeral? FUCKING NEXT LEVEL!

This blog is slowly taking over the world

How did my ego ever get massaged before google analytics came along?

In order to completely take over the world I will be injecting Greenland related material and more African friendly content.

Chevy Chase Needs A Comeback

WHY?
Yes, I've heard all the tales of him being a crazy coke-addicted asshole on the set of SNL. Yes, I had to sit through his ill-fated and unbelievably bad talk show. But anybody who still has fond memories of "Fletch" (which is still one of my favorite comedies of all-time) realizes that the man was, at one point, the most charming dude in comedy. I truly feel in my bones that Chevy is capable of a comeback.

HOW?
Chevy needs to hitch his wagon to a "Jim Jarmusch" type of filmmaker who respects him and can use him and his skills maybe in a more dignified way. Maybe Wes Anderson can cast him as Gwyenth Palthrow's weirdo Uncle in his next film? Or Noah Baumbach? One of those dudes should call Chevy Chase's agent now. So many dudes who grew up on Chevy on SNL, The National Lampoon movies, the aforementioned Fletch would fucking flock to see him in a real, legitimate movie. Hell, it worked for Bill Murray, dude. But stay away from TV, Chevy. Even though this looks decent enough...



It's still not the secret to a "I'm On The Fucking Cover of Entertainment Weekly" level comeback. It might lead to you hosting SNL again or something but who fucking gives a shit about that in 2009? Everybody just Tivos SNL and fast forwards to the Digital Shorts anyway. Think big.

My Friend Linda's Blog

I promise that eventually I will get over the constant shout-outs to blog friends but my dear friend Linda started a blog and you should all check it.

http://beiged.tumblr.com/

Mostly pics but some cool shit. Thank me later...preferably with a hug or some kind of food item.

"Hamburger Patties"

Hamburger Patties from Michael Showalter on Vimeo.

And then there's this...

Real Adult Feelings has a new home

www.ohgirlco.com/realadultfeelings

Check yo' self before you wreck yo'self, Real Adult Feelings has a new internet home. We are working on setting up a couple of new features there but for now you can at least peep the latest episode.

It's Show-Biz, Kiddo.

Here's some pics from the Secret Show I am working on with Brian. Keep an eye out for it. We're shooting again in a couple of weeks. Stay tuned for more details.

More Proof That Zach Galifianakis Is The Best Comedian In the World Right Now

Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

This Is The Weirdest Commercial I've Ever Seen

Apparently, it's real. Here's their website.

The Prize Inside Podcast

I recently became aware of a local podcast that is pretty nice and will fit along nicely after your Real Adult Feelings listening experience.

It's called The Prize Inside and it's hosted by these dudes Corey Be and Ryan P. Peep it and don't forget that the officially sanctioned FOJ podcast, Real Adult Feelings, isn't dead. I've just been working on a brand new site for the podcast that will have fancy functions like a message board for listeners, Billy Bonez is cooking up a t-shirt design and much more. Yes, all of this for a show with only 4 episodes in the book. But they are epic and awesome so why not?

The Prize Inside:
http://prizeinside.blogspot.com/

In case you are new to the party, Real Adult Feelings:
http://realadultfeelings.tumblr.com/

Pics from the Indolent Magic Shoot

Bobby has some pics from our shoot with Sam last weekend up on Dreamboat. You should all read and love Dreamboat because it's cool.

http://dreamboatmag.blogspot.com/

I'd Like to Be Sucessful Enough To One Day Have a Bank Robber Named After One of My Jokes

The bank robber dubbed the "Man Hand's Bandit" has struck again.

At 9:57 this morning the man robbed the First Security Bank at 620 Edmonds Way in Edmonds. He presented a demand note to the teller, but did not display or imply a weapon, according to the FBI. Once again, he tried to disguise himself by dressing as a woman.

He is described as a white man, about 6 feet tall and 200 pounds. He was wearing a long black wig, a black zip-front hoody with matching black pants and brown Puma shoes. He was also carrying a shiny silver purse.

The nickname comes from an episode of "Seinfeld".

http://blog.seattletimes.nwsource.com/crime/2009/04/20/post_4.html

Big Shit Poppin'

Coming Soon To the Friends of Julius Universe:

1. Oh Girl Co.

Remember how just a wee bit ago I posted the Murder City Devils thing in connection with "Indolent Magic With Sam Rousso"? Well, that very show will be part of a brand new web TV station that Bobby and I are launching in the Summer.

Bookmark the site now:
ohgirlco.com

It will also be the home of Real Adult Feelings, a couple of web zines and a lot more.
javascript:void(0)
It will be the official home of Oh Girl Productions, Friends of Julius' production company. Which leads me to...

2. "Live Wrong"

Bobby and I are writing, producing and directing a web series, that will also be part of Oh Girl TV, called "Live Wrong". The show will star us, playing dudes named Bobby and Jason and will mostly likely feature Paul Marshall and FOJer Sam Rousso from time to time. For lack of a better description, it is sort of shaping up to be kind of like a sitcom/sketch hybrid and a sort of younger, hipper, more sensitive version of "Seinfeld". We shot some footage for a trailer last week and will drop a teaser soon. Keep your eyes peeled.

I kind of like this dude

(thanks to TBTL for the scoop)

Weekly Musical Round-Up

Last week I had the pleasure of working on our very own Sam Rousso's latest venture, a talk show called "Indolent Magic With Sam Rousso". FOJ member #3, Bobby, was also in tow making it essentially a Friends of Julius production. There will be more details on this soon, including behind the scenes pictures and a link to the first episode.

But for now I thought I would give some love to the first guest we had on the show, Spencer Moody of the Murder City Devils. If you perhaps lived under a rock in the late 90s and don't know the joy that is the Murder City Devils, check out this little ditty:



Much love to Spencer, he's a sweet dude. Check out Murder City Devils if you haven't already and keep your eyes peeled for "Indolent Magic With Sam Rousso" soon.

Weird but why not?

Do you know who this is? I swear to god that I that I've met them before but I can't remember when or where. I normally wouldn't do something like this but ever since I got google analytics I realize that a LOT more people read this blog than I previously thought so why not turn it into my own personal referral service. Figure out who this woman is, team. Otherwise it will drive me crazy.

My friend Mike made a video for Sleepy Eyes of Death

Whoomp, there it is. Good stuff. Mike Harring is a fellow Seattle filmmaker and Sleepy Eyes of Death is a band that some good dudes I know are in. Put the 2 together and you get straight dopeness.

This isn't especially funny or anything but it looks like Mike worked his ass off for this so I wanted to show him some love.

Rob Huebel's Appetizer Hotline

This is Rob Huebel from Human Giant

http://robhuebel.com/post/99026794/thanks-for-calling-the-rob-huebel-appetizer
This is him reading from the appetizer menu.

Slapping a new blog baby on the ass...

One of my dearest, dearest friends in the universe is a woman named Nikki. She lives in NY. She always told me she wouldn't start a blog. Now she did. You should check it out, readers of this blog because she is honestly one of the greatest people to ever live and I will love her forever (but not like THAT, guys). It's called Skunks and Artichokes. It's mostly about animals but my favorite part is that there is a post with pictures of me in it. Who wouldn't love that?



http://skunksandartichokes.blogspot.com/

Speaking of twitter...

Mom and me in the 80s

My Mom is now on twitter which means two things:
1. My Mom is more technologically advanced than yours.
2. Twitter is no longer cool.

Back to the drawing board, technology.

Oprah comes to Twitter

Probably old but made me laugh like an idiot...

I have a man crush on this dude:

Paul Rudd Screensaver from Paul Rudd

I like this...

From CO-ED "Magazine" (who would figure, right?), a list of the top 10 things From Your 20s That You'll Regret When You're 40 (good day for you, number fans). Most of these are no brainers but in a "yes, finally somebody just fucking said this" kind of way.

http://coedmagazine.com/2009/04/14/top-10-things-from-your-20s-youll-regret-when-youre-40/

Well, this is just awesome...

In case you need a little background, this is a re-dub of a Kiss video for "Made For Loving You". As a guy whose never been a big Kiss fan, I prefer the STS version better.

STS did it once with Peter Bjorn and John but it isn't as funny.

Aw, Rats! With Frank Delgado!

Hey, readers! This is Frank! Delgado! The Friends of Julius guys were nice enough to give me a new column on here so...here I am!

The name of this column is "Aw, Rats!". It's a pun! Well, sort of. It's like what it's about cause it's about being frustrated but also about how I own and care for several adult rats. What's that called? When something is about 2 things at once?

Well, anyways...today I'd like to talk about women. Specifically a woman named Donna Schaffer. You know who you are, Donna. I mean, she's a pretty gal. Don't get me wrong, she's got a shape to her. But what kind of woman lets a man take her to Black Angus, buy her a full steak dinner, take her back to his place, fix her a Pina Colada and then when is confronted with about a half dozen rats...screams like a little baby and takes a cab home? I mean, most of them were in cages. All of them are clean. C'mon, Donna! I just have two words for you:

Aw, Rats!

XO,
Frank

The worst comedy club names in the country (ranked)

Comedy Clubs have the worst names. That's no secret. But some of them are painfully, cringe inducing bad. And if there's one thing I love it's making my readers cringe...

10. Dr. Grins - Grand Rapids, MI

Man, medical school is tough. No wonder doctors make so much money. It's unfortunate for this dude that he got through medical school in one piece and everything but since his surname is Grins he didn't get very far. I mean, would you want to get a pap smear from "Dr. Grins"? I certainly wouldn't and I'm a dude! So I guess you have no choice but to open a comedy club at that point. Sux 2 B Him.

9. Comedy Dawgs - Halifax

Anything with a W in it that doesn't need to be there is bad. Examples: "I Wuv You!", the White House.

8. Mixed Nuts - Los Angeles

I like my comedy clubs and genital euphemisms separate, thanks very much.

7. The Riot Act - Washington D.C.

Haha. Oh, man. I get it. Cause it's like a laugh riot but also it's like another thing that means something else. Hahaha. Oh, lord.

6. The Funny Farm - Atlanta

Sigh.

5. Snickerz - Ft. Wayne, IN

To borrow something from the world of Snicker Bar advertising...this one is just plain "chewpid".

4. Magooby's Joke House - Baltimore

If you're name is Magooby you have about 3 options. 1 is to change your name to something less goofy like Smith, 2 is to embrace it and become a clown and perform at kids parties and 3 is to take the middle of the road path and be kinda sorta wacky and open a comedy club with money your bitter and racist Grandfather left you in his will. Joke's on you, Grandpa.

3. The Brew Ha Ha - Rapid City, SD

Oh, man. This place is great. Cause right away you know you are going to get a couple of things once inside. You are probably going to get a beer of some sort and also probably at least a couple of laughs. Fuck that obscure shit. Tell it like it is.

2. Laugh Inn - Ft. Meyers, Florida

Get it?

1. Rooster T. Feathers - Sunnyvale, CA

This one just boggles my mind. What's funny about chickens? What does the T stand for? Do they serve chicken? Do chickens perform? EXPLAIN YOURSELF, MR. FEATHERS!

Funny, creepy and then back to funny...

Happy Easter, everyone!

Kanye totes hates himself now...

Kanye Responds to South Park On His Blog

From Ye's blog:

SOUTH PARK MURDERED ME LAST NIGHT AND IT'S PRETTY FUNNY. IT HURTS MY FEELINGS BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM SOUTH PARK! I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY EGO THOUGH. HAVING THE CRAZY EGO IS PLAYED OUT AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE AND CAREER. I USE TO USE IT TO BUILD UP MY ESTEEM WHEN NOBODY BELIEVED IN ME. NOW THAT PEOPLE DO BELIEVE AND SUPPORT MY MUSIC AND PRODUCTS THE BEST RESPONSE IS THANK YOU INSTEAD OF "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" IT'S COOL TO TALK SHIT WHEN YOU'RE RAPPING BUT NOT IN REAL LIFE. WHEN YOU MEET LITTLE WAYNE IN PERSON HE'S THE NICEST GUY FOR EXAMPLE. I JUST WANNA BE A DOPER PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH ME NOT ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE HOW DOPE I THINK I AM. I NEED TO JUST GET PAST MYSELF. DROP THE BRAVADO AND JUST MAKE DOPE PRODUCT. EVERYTHING IS NOT THAT SERIOUS. AS LONG AS PEOPLE THINK I ACT LIKE A BITCH THIS TYPE OF SHIT WILL HAPPEN TO ME. I GOT A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF ME TO MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE I'M NOT ACTUALLY A HUGE DOUCHE BUT I'M UP FOR THE CHALLENGE. I'M SURE THE WRITERS AT SOUTH PARK ARE REALLY NICE PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE. THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME TO DRAW MY CREW. THAT WAS PRETTY FUNNY ALSO!! I'M SURE THERE'S GRAMMATICAL ERRORS IN THIS... THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW IT'S ME!
04.09.2009



For future reference, "I JUST WANNA BE A DOPER PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH ME NOT ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE HOW DOPE I THINK I AM" is how I am going to live my life.

Blog On Blog Love

My friend Molly from New York recently started up a blog with some friends to rate Trader Joe's products. Here are my reactions to this news, in the order in which they occured:

1. Oh, cool. That's a good idea. I will check this out later.
2. (whilst checking out) Ha. Molly's pretty funny. I will add this to my blog roll.
3. I should open a sushi bar with cutesy names for things like a "blog roll".
4. What exactly would be in a "blog roll"? Something kind of dumb and superficial?
5. It's a little bit of a bummer Molly didn't ask me to contribute to the Trader Joes blog. I go there everyday practically and I'm pretty fucking funny.
6. Oh, I got it. The "blog roll" would contain a different thing every week. A play on the notion of "flavor of the week".
7. Man, I can't even read this blog now just because I'm wishing I was asked to be a part of it.
8. Sushi sounds really good.
9. Alright, I'm being ridiculous. Let's just promote this blog and love it, you ego maniacal jerkoff.
10. Maybe I will start my own blog and hilariously review sushi.
11. I have the perfect list of contributors to the sushi blog: oh...well, me, of course. Um...also, myself. And...oh, yeah...this dude named I.
12. That'll show 'em.

http://traderjoesreviewed.blogspot.com/

Metal for Dummies

Or Defending Metal Against Dumb People

I enjoy the rock and roll music. Sometimes I like it to roll more, like when I'm trying to...say, cry gently whilst doing a crossword puzzle or...make love to a woman...or both.

But more often than not I like things to rock a little more. Quite often that rock takes the form of metal or hardcore music or "heavy metal" if you are an out of touch news anchor reporting a story about mosh pits, or "that screamy scream music" if you are the elderly woman I used to work with who secretly hated me. I'm just sick of defending it by now. Listening to metal doesn't make you dumb, a meathead, violent, aggressive or whatever the hell people think.

With this in mind, I decided to lay out a couple of steps to understanding why metal matters and isn't for leather clad hillbillies anymore.

1. Understand that metal vocals shouldn't ever be confused with, or thought of, as singing.

I can't tell you how many times I have had a girl over, put some Slayer on the old stereo and heard some variation of "oh, god! You call that singing? He's just screaming! I can do that!".

Here's a newsflash, people. Yeah, it's not singing. It's not trying to be. Making sounds with your mouth doesn't equal trying to croon some old fashioned ditties, as a rule. Comparing the two is like comparing rapping to singing or what Keanu Reeves does with acting. It's a different thing, it exists for a different purpose. You aren't likely to see the lead singer from "Fucked Up" on American Idol anytime soon. It's almost like another instrument, a way to make the music more abrasive and energetic.

Look, I know nothing I say is going to convince you to suddenly like "cookie monster" vocals but at the very least stop comparing it to singing for the love of god. We know.

2. Don't let typical metalheads ruin it for everybody.

Most out of the closet metalheads are dumb, ponytailed weirdos who live with their parents, smell weird and own way too many black clothes with grease stains on them. Fair enough. I can't explain that. But don't judge all of us based on a few ignorant apples. I love metal and the only piece of dark clothing I own is a sweater from the Gap. Judging all based on a few is basically like being a racist, you racist jerk.

3. Metal musicians are insanely talented.

Ok, let's say you just can't get past the vocals. Alright, point taken. But can we all agree that metal musicians are insanely fucking talented at least?

Look at this clip of Dave Lombardo from Slayer playing drums:


Nuff said.

4. It's not 1985 anymore.

I think a lot of people still have this mental image of metal bands as looking like douche bags from the 80s, with shitty hair and even shittier fashion sense. But in fact, very few leather vests are prominent in today's metal landscape.


These guys are a metal band. They are called Harvey Milk. They are awesome. No leather.

While we are on the subject of change, most metal bands of merit don't sound anything like Judas Priest or Megadeath or whatever your mind goes to when you hear the words "metal band". Some of the most original and interesting music being made right now is in the metal genre. Deal with it, Cate Blanchett! Download the new Kylesa album if you don't believe me.

Alright, that's it really. I realize I didn't change your mind. I'm not expecting to convert any new recruits. Truth of the matter is that metal isn't for everyone, maybe not even most. It's an acquired taste and it if appealed to everybody metal wouldn't be considered a subversive genre, this blog post would be pointless and we could all be chilling somewhere listening to Pig Destroyer right now instead of reading words on the internet.

Look, all I can really ask for, and the whole point of this thing, is to maybe get you to not roll your eyes when some dude on the bus is blasting Isis super loud on his headphones. Or not shoot down a guy hitting on you at the bar just because he's wearing a Mastodon shirt with some epic looking demon on it. And you should especially not be all into a dude for a couple of months and then stop seeing them shortly after they tell you they kind of want to bone while listening to Slayer. You know who you are, girl.

We're not monsters. It's just music.

Now let's all devote more of our time and energy into disliking a boring and stupid genre of music with no hope for redemption...like world music. You've been on top for too long, Ladysmith Black Mambazo.

(Yet Another) Weekly Musical Round-Up

Defiance, Ohio edition!

I LOVE THIS BAND. You will love them too if you are not dumb.

Listen to any and all of these songs:



Check their site.

It's recently come to my attention that my Mom might read this blog...

On a completely unrelated note...I decided to try out a new format for a while.









See you guys later.

My dude from Frackistan locking it down.

One of my fellow bloggers just threw some straight magic over on his site. It's a series of collages he created for a night flea market in Berlin. Check it:

http://tarartrat.blogspot.com/2009/03/post-titled-series-of-collages-made-for.html







http://tarartrat.blogspot.com/

Because I realized not everybody in the world has seen these yet...

And they are braz-illiant...

In weirdo douchebag news...

Crazy Bruce's

This made me laugh for, literally, 5 minutes straight upon initial viewing.

So this happened...

Remember how one of my new year's resolutions was to punch the Sham Wow Guy in the Face?

Well, looks like somebody beat me to the punch....literally.



(Ok, so he wasn't punched but he's humiliated and hopefully it ends his career which is all I can really ask for)

Things I am currently obsessed with

You know that game "which of the these things doesn't belong? Let's see if we can figure out what doesn't belong in this list of my current obsessions:

1. Boobs
2. Chicken wings and/or potato skins
3. College basketball
4. The hardcore band "Fucked Up"
5. Joining a gym and getting buffer
6. Babies (i.e. having one)

P.S - When did I become such a bro? I blame it all on Billy Bones.

"Weekly" Musical Round-Up

Now even less weekly!

Two things:
1. New Modest Mouse song. Live on Letterman.



My thoughts: Pretty good, deceptively catchy. I started humming it like 5 minutes ago and was like "what the hell song is that?". Looking forward to the studio version. Also, I want Isaac Brock's jean jacket.

2. Vivian Girls. Where Do You Run.



This took a while to grow on me but for all intents and purposes it is now "my jam". Love these gals. They are playing with Abe Vigoda next month. Who wants to go with me? I'll be your wingman.

Awesome I Saw U's/Missed Connections

Great Clips...I just got my hair fixed - w4m - 21 (Lakewood)
Reply to: pers-dpzhe-1078561255@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-03-16, 10:41PM PDT

Ok so I never thought I would do this and if it works great.
I had just got my hair fixed at the Great Clips in Lakewood and you were sitting in the waiting area.
We chatted for a moment and I dont know I was mad I wanted to chat some more you had such a sweet smile. Well any how I thought I would post on here might be crazy but I wanted to chat with you some more.
You were wearing a grey army sweatshirt and I think jeans and you had red hair.

Well im Michelle and would love to chat!!

stop the world and get me off - w4m - 29 (broadway)
Reply to: pers-9n2xg-1078433247@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-03-16, 8:05PM PDT

baby i want your ponytail ticklin my taint. fleetwood mac, chardonnay, easymac, i can suck the bark off a tree.
i love that red scarf of yours.

Condoms and Candy - w4m - 26 (Bartell's on Rainier , Seattle)
Reply to: pers-bub4k-1077886574@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-03-16, 1:46PM PDT

Last night my friend and I saw you at the Bartell's on Rainier buying a 12 pack of Lifestyle Condoms and Laffy Taffy. We couldn't help but to think that you were happily acknowledging the fact that we enjoyed giggling about your purchase and artistic arrangement of products. (Look below at the illustration.)You had the most perfect smirk at that moment; it was very confident.

Could you please satisfy our curiosities and write back on how the rest of your night went? Did you give the person you were seeing that candy.....?

T-Mobile Repairman on Phinney

It's 4:30am and I just called the cops on you. Turns out you weren't in my apartment building's garage to burgle us - just to repair some cell phone tower apparatus.
Turns out you are wicked cute and I have half a mind to bring you a cup of coffee as a peace offering. But I probably won't, 'cause I'm shy like that...

When: Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Where: my garage
I saw a: Man
I am a: Woman
Date posted: Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Things I like about St. Patrick's Day...

Sexy People

http://www.sexypeople-blog.com/