weeeee

Something I heard on the bus this morning...

Mexican guy #1: Si? Si?
Mexican guy #2: No! No! McCain is loco in da cabasa! OBAMA! OBAMA!

Seattle Sketchfest

www.sketchfest.org

Good stuff this year including the aforementioned "Entertainment Show" (see yesterday's "More Funny Friends" entry), The Cody Rivers Show (some of the best live sketch stuff I've ever seen) and many, many more. Go check it out.

It's going on tonight through Saturday.

More funny friends

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

My buds Kevin and Travis make some pretty funny shit. They also host the Entertainment Show every month at the Sunset Tavern in Seattle.
The next show is on Sept. 30th. Go. Laugh. Make friends.

Another year older and deeper in debt

Not since "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Pussy Control! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" have lyrics to a song said so much about my current life than "Another year older and deeper in debt". Turned 27 last night. Celebrated by watching "Seinfeld" at home by myself and buying a new comforter. The saddest thing is that it wasn't actually sad at all. Not sure when I turned into such a anti-social asshole but seeing people was the furthest thing from my mind. I love all my friends dearly but I honestly feel like living in a shipping container in the middle of a fjord by the time I'm 30 isn't that much of a stretch. Only time will tell.

Editing mania

So we are done with shooting "Tales of the U.S.S. Black Unicorn" and will begin to lengthy process of editing this week. Thanks to everybody who made us laugh, got naked, waited while we set up lights, chased me down a dark alleyway, humped a stranger and otherwise made our ridiculous little script into a reality.

Stay tuned very soon for online clips and news of a wrap party/pre-Hump screening party at Holy Mountain in October.

A Great Idea

My friend Ellen made me aware of this:

Of all of the hogwash that comes from Sarah Palin's mouth, her anti-birth control stance ranks right up there with the most alarming of her "positions."

I heard about a lovely gift I could give Sarah to let her know how I feel while simultaneously doing to world a bit of good. I donated to Planned Parenthood in her honor. She'll receive a nice postcard that lets her know that a donation in support reproductive rights and sex education has been made in her honor.

Here's how it works:

1. Go to Planned Parenthood, Donate, then Honorary Donations

2. Fill in good ole Sarah's name and the address of the McCain/Palin headquarters:
McCain for President
1235 S. Clark Street
1st Floor
Arlington, VA 22202

3. Make a donation.

4. Hit send.

5. Feel awesome!!

Even just $5 donation gets the card sent to McCain's headquarters. So consider doing this now!! Whoever had this idea rocks, as far as I'm concerned. I forwarded this on to friends and family yesterday and have seriously gotten about 20 "thanks for the idea, I just donated" responses - hooray!

This Things I Believe

Following Bobby's lead, I decided to make a list of stuff I am becoming obsessed with right now:

-Women
-"Mulholland Drive" by David Lynch (even though I literally saw it 18 times - literally - when it came out but I recently reconnected with it and saw even more levels than I first did. I've watched it 3 times in the last 2 weeks)
-Asparagus
-Hot women
-Loneliness as a theme in comedy
-Fake anger
-Sea monsters/oceanic mysteries
-Women who work in shoe stores
-Push-Ups
-Learning how to skateboard at some point
-Publicly mocking people that I dislike
-Jogging (in theory)
-Sitting on a couch (in practice)
-Beating Super Mario World on my roommate's Nintendo DS
-Getting an anchor tattoo
-Women with tattoos
-Watching "Semi-Pro" despite severe "it's not that funny" warnings
-Women willing to watch shit comedies with me
-Brad Pitt's character in "Burn After Reading" (call it a "bro-ner")
-Writing a story about this dude obsessed with a sex tape he made in his youth and idolizing this past life
-This super hot woman always on the bus in Wallingford with only one leg
-Having a child to seem more sensitive and giving to women
-Putting my penis inside a woman in order to make the above happen
-Taking a trip to Montreal or Toronto or Canada in general
-Going on a stakeout
-Going on a steak-out
-Eating a sikh out
-Making puns
-Dying horribly alone in a clusterfuck of depression and isolation
-Optimism

Tales of "Tales of The U.S.S. Black Unicorn"

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Awesome Missed Connections/I Saw U's (Vol 1)

You: hat on at Sea-Tac

You were standing right behind me in the TSA security line. I was with my ex-wife and my daughter, going to SF to tour USF. You were on the plane, many rows behind me. Wanted to get your number but it was too weird with my daughter there. I was feeling good vibes from you.

When: Monday, October 15, 2007
Where: Sea-Tac airport

I saw a: Woman
I am a: Man

pretty fullfigure waitrist works at sprits and billards bellvue - m4w - 37
Reply to: pers-462223581@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-28, 1:00PM PDT

you are a very beautiful woman i am to shy to say hello .i'm blk male dark with great smile. we lock eyes and you give me a nice look and a cutieful smile would like to chat with you. ple email me if this is you . oh this was friday the 26.

you were in a white sunvisor and short shorts with a white tanktop that was seethrough you wernt wearing a bra and you saw me staring we flirted for awhile about tossing salad can i toss yours?


When: Thursday, October 18, 2007
Where: water front

I saw a: Woman
I am a: Woman

~Doug~ We met at the Kid Rock Concert - w4m
Reply to: pers-469815426@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-05, 12:49PM PST

I enjoyed talking to you. Might you be interested in meeting for a drink sometime without four drunk firemen nearby?

sexy juggler - w4m - 24
Reply to: pers-494034818@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-30, 12:02AM PST

I don't even know if you are single but I am nursing a growing crush on you, you are an amazing juggler and really great with kids, I get distracted trying to focus on my skills when you're in the vicinity, and somehow I lose my ability to speak whenever I am around you.

Concert rendezvous
We met at the Evanescence concert. I helped you take pictures and hide your camera from security. You pulled my dick out of my pants with people all around us. Would love to see you again.

When: Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Where: Evanescence concert
I saw a: Woman
I am a: Man

Silverdale Safeway Porno DVD Mixup - w4m - 29
Reply to: pers-504741420@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-10, 9:25AM PST

I just rented "Wedding Crashers" from Safeway, but the DVD in the case was... well, something else entirely. But I watched it before my husband got home, and then I hid it from him. If you are into that sort of thing, I'm VERY interested. I have to be discreet, but I can't get it out of my mind. If you see this, PLEASE get back to me before Tuesday when I have to take the DVD back to Safeway.

Heading south on I-5

U hot blonde, big tits, pulled in front of me from the onramp. Pulled up close and you thought I was tailgating. How about you let me give you the finger too. Contact me if your not fat, I couldn't really tell. You:Woman Me:Man

When: Sunday, August 3, 2008

Where: I-5

I saw a: Woman

I am a: Man

Date posted: Sunday, August 10, 2008

huh

On Repeat: Of Montreal

I know this is an extremely lame blogging topic but do you ever run across albums that you instantly fall in love with and want to force upon anybody with ears?

I am going through that right now with the new Of Montreal album, "Skeletal Lamping".



I can't imagine an album topping it this year so let's go ahead and call it album of the year.

It's got everything I like about Kevin Barnes (aka Of Montreal). Up tempo dance beats, touching ballads, fucked up lyrics, Beatles-esque pop and an interesting concept (it's about a black drag queen named Georgie) all floating in a meticulously produced ocean of slight psychedelia. He also pushes the boundaries of song structure more than he ever has. Making good on the promise hinted at with the 12 minute "The Past Is a Grotesque Animal" from his last album, "Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?". Songs contain multiple melodies, choruses, production, time signatures and narratives sometimes within a span of 4 and a half minutes. It's like an album full of Radiohead's "Paranoid Android" if it were written by a flamboyantly gay dude stuck in the disco era.

Some of the stand out lines:
"I'm so sick of sucking the dick of this cruel, cruel city"
"Want to make you ejaculate til it's no longer fun"
"I want you to be my pleasure puss. I want to know what's like to be inside you"
"I'm a motherfucking headliner, bitch. You don't even know it. Process it!"

Download "Plastis Wafers" from somewhere. Now. It's the jam. Or better yet, buy the album when it comes out.

Some FOJ dudes are doing stuff this Friday.

I will be screening a totally not funny and artsy fartsy movie at a space called "Holy Mountain" on Friday. It's part of an event called "Indie Film Night" and features other work by Eric Ostrowski, Alexandra Roxo, Taryn Tomasello and music by Kamran Sadeghi, Algiers and Stress. Holy Mountain is on Eastlake and Republican. Show is $5 and starts at 9pm.

Right next door to Holy Mountain is the Lo-Fi Performance Gallery which will be featuring FOJ member Sam Rousso. He will be spinning records as part of Ruff Gemz. I know I will be migrating over after the Holy Mountain show to dance the night away. Fucking In the Streets is also "spinning".

Ironically, neither of these 2 things will be especially funny but when you talk to us imagine us being really fucking funny and then blur your eyes a bit so it looks like we are on the internet and it will approximate the feeling of what Friends of Julius will be like.

This Thai hair salon advertisement looks a lot like TV's James Van Der Beek

More NYC goodness from Kape

So I have some other New York friends in a sketch troupe (sorry, that sounds pretty faggy) called Kape. Here's my fave video from them:



Check out more on their youtube page.

Pure aggression

Artist's rendering of me angry in Los Angeles

It's no secret that I am a child when it comes to dealing with anger, rejection or humiliation. When I was 12 I kicked a hole in the dry wall because my beloved Lakers lost the NBA championship to the Bulls. Granted, I was literally a child at the time but things haven't really gotten better into "adulthood".

So with that in mind let me indulge myself by publicly mocking the manager of the NuArt Theatre in Los Angeles, California. Why? Gather 'round, children:

Recently, I went to L.A. with FOJ partner Bobby and 2 other friends. We did typical L.A. things like swim in the ocean, ogle wanna-be actresses on Hollywood Blvd and eat overpriced things. One night for laughs we decided to go to the NuArt Theatre to see a midnight screening of the cult "classic" "Rocky Horror Picture Show". Now, I've seen Rocky Horror many times both on video and live and am well aware of the inherent annoyances of listening to pasty white nerds yelling things at a screen that can't respond to them. That's all fine and tolerable. What I don't have patience for is bloated, washed up managers putting on a show for half naked teenagers just to stroke his crumbling ego.

We first caught wind of said manager when we arrived early to the theatre to pick up our tickets. Since I work for the same company I knew I could get in for free so I called ahead to make sure we could get some free tickets. At least I tried to. Their direct line went automatically to voicemail repeatedly so I just left a message and hoped for the best. It is important to note that at this point in the story I am not angry that they aren't answering their phone just concerned that I will have to sweet talk the box officer when I get there so as to avoid paying $10 for a ticket. When we arrived at the box office I explained the situation to the girl in the box office to which she politely (keyword politely) asked if we answered our phones in Seattle on shift. I told her we did and she seemed surprised by this but not in any way angry or offended. She even gave us advice on where to get food in the area. We went inside to use the bathroom and were greeted by a smile-less lumbering sack of a dude named Marc. He informed us with a minimum of effort that we could just use the bathroom quickly but then we had to leave. Fair enough. I'm used to the jaded cynicism that goes along with dealing with the public on a daily basis. I then witnessed him accosting an old man for not having his tickets ready and mentally made fun of him. We got our (free) tickets, got some food and came back for the midnight madness.

Upon my first spotting of a fat, pale nerd awkwardly yelling directions to the underage crowd I should have followed my instincts and fled to do something more fun like getting hit with a bag of oranges. But I ignored those evolutionary instincts and stuck with it. We finally got ushered into the confines of the NuArt and took our seats in the very back row.

We were then subjected to about an hour of "comedy" from a man who might have once had a promising career as a host at a TGI Fridays but got caught up in the world of comedy after being inspired by Dane Cook and turned his back on any sort of steady income. Since he's old enough to buy beer for the 18 year olds beguilingly in charge of security he gets to do what felt like a 2 hour long "set" of rape jokes, ball talk and jokes that were essentially tarted up versions of asking the audience if any niggers were in the crowd.

Then he cleared the way for some good ol' fashioned corporate shilling from our buddy Marc, the manager of the NuArt. But before the DVD hawking could begin Marc felt the need to single out "the folks from Seattle". At this point I figured we were just in store from some zingers about Starbucks, Kurt Cobain, flannel, rain or all of the above. And yes, we did get subjected to a couple of those innovative jokes. But then he called us motherfuckers for "making fun of the staff for NOT ANSWERING THEIR FUCKING PHONE!". Yeah, fuck us, right? For making conversation. He then proceeded to rip on us and our home theatre some more. We all pretended to not be from Seattle right quick and waited out the verbal lashing from the manager who was clearly a failed actor of some type struggling to deal with the fact that he sold popcorn for a living at the age of 40. I mean, fuck that guy. We simply explained the situation of not being able to get on the phone with anyone in order to get in for free, not to rip on them for being lazy assholes.

Then we watched the first hour of Rocky Horror before leaving in a huff. Anyways, I just want to re-state that THE (assistant) MANAGER OF THE NUART IS A HUGE ASSHOLE AND SHOULD GET THE STICK OUT OF HIS ASS AND LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH THE WORLD BETTER. Thanks for the free tickets, asshole. Hope the 15 year old pussy was as good as you wanted it to be. Good luck on that next audition.

Suck my rain soaked dick,
Jason

Add us on myspace.

Yes, we all know that myspace is essentially dead but that doesn't mean we aren't trying to use it to somehow make us feel more popular and better about ourselves. So add us as friends.

www.myspace.com/friendsofjulius

Our buddy Paul locking it down

Our friend and frequent collaborator Paul Marshall has some videos online that are pretty keen. Check it:





Yay!

MUSIC! VIDEO!

NYC friends making funnies

So my friend Jenn from New York is producing a new sketch show online. Here's a clip:



Check out more at ivegotmunchies.com

It's not like you have anything better to do.

Lists for McSweeney's that were rejected

So a couple of months ago I complied some lists for McSweeney's. They were promptly rejected. I still think they are funny though so fuck them. Here you go:

The Best Lists Rejected by McSweeney's by Elliot J. Quetch:

Cool Dreams I've Had by Trevor Dunn
Words I don't know the meaning of by Gary Bradshaw
My appearances on the Oprah Winfrey show, ranked by James Frey
The Best Lists Previously Rejected by McSweeney's (drafts 1-17) by Jason Ryan
The Best Time of Day to Check Your Watch by Chrissy O'Sullivan
My 5 favorite children by Andrea Yates
My favorite sexual positions described in graphic detail by John "Honus" Wagner
Things I have found in rectums by Beverly C. Johnson, airport security technician
The following people are going to be let go at the end of the week if we don't turn profits around by Dave Eggers (submitted via inter-office memo)
The science fiction novella I wrote in 1987 transferred into list form by Dave Cordova
Top 5 Times I've Made It to 2nd Base (with consent) by Mike "Boom-Boom" McNeil
Best tailors in Great Lakes region by Matt Lesko
Top breeds of dog that look the most like Mother Theresa when you put a teatowel on their heads by Shirley Crabs
My Most Memorable Games of Halo by Joe Barrage
Possible Reasons Publishers Just Aren't Taking Notice of my Work Right Now (an expository list) by Patrick Van Washinworth IV
The 10 most gripping episodes of Mama's Family by Randy St. Davis
I think I should be drunk to do this, but I was trying not to drink today by Dylan Mckay
Top ten different ways Dave Letterman's "people" can express the sentiment "stop stalking him, please" by Greg Turnips
The 30 Hottest Days in July by Jamal Williams
The best races of people (in order) by Col. Garry Tucker
Siblings I love in a non-sibling love way by Ryan Green

The Top Five Mark Twain Works With the Word "Blowjob" Inserted
Somewhere in the Title in Place of Another Word by Jason Ryan

1. The Celebrated Jumping Blowjob of Calaveras County
2. The Adventures of Tom Blowjob
3. A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Blowjob
4. The Blowjob of Pudd'nhead Wilson
5. The Prince and the Blowjob

Friends of Julius: Now in Blog Form

This will be the (temporary) home for Friends of Julius sketches, writing, jokes, political cartoons, skitches, fart jokes, tabloid gossip, high-brow fart jokes, complaints, rants, farts and what-have-you.

Currently we are all ensnared in the high stress world of making a fake (softcore) porn movie for The Stranger's Hump competition. Our entry is entitled "Tales of the U.S.S. Black Unicorn" and features the acting "talents" of ourselves and the genuine talents of friends and local young (but legal) actors and actresses.

Unless the film is just too raw and epic for the Stranger selection committee keep an eye out for the film at the Stranger's Hump weekend. Details TBA. Portions of the sketch will be online in the next couple of weeks.

Who exactly are we, you might be asking? Well, "Friends of Julius" consists of myself, Bobby and this dude named Sam. Our friend Will is our honorary 4th member locking shit down behind the camera. We are complete novices to the world of comedy but we make each other laugh and I took an improv class once so that qualifies us to tell you what we think is funny.

Thanks for reading and hope to see you back,
Jason