Or Defending Metal Against Dumb People
I enjoy the rock and roll music. Sometimes I like it to roll more, like when I'm trying to...say, cry gently whilst doing a crossword puzzle or...make love to a woman...or both.
But more often than not I like things to rock a little more. Quite often that rock takes the form of metal or hardcore music or "heavy metal" if you are an out of touch news anchor reporting a story about mosh pits, or "that screamy scream music" if you are the elderly woman I used to work with who secretly hated me. I'm just sick of defending it by now. Listening to metal doesn't make you dumb, a meathead, violent, aggressive or whatever the hell people think.
With this in mind, I decided to lay out a couple of steps to understanding why metal matters and isn't for leather clad hillbillies anymore.
1. Understand that metal vocals shouldn't ever be confused with, or thought of, as singing.
I can't tell you how many times I have had a girl over, put some Slayer on the old stereo and heard some variation of "oh, god! You call that singing? He's just screaming! I can do that!".
Here's a newsflash, people. Yeah, it's not singing. It's not trying to be. Making sounds with your mouth doesn't equal trying to croon some old fashioned ditties, as a rule. Comparing the two is like comparing rapping to singing or what Keanu Reeves does with acting. It's a different thing, it exists for a different purpose. You aren't likely to see the lead singer from "Fucked Up" on American Idol anytime soon. It's almost like another instrument, a way to make the music more abrasive and energetic.
Look, I know nothing I say is going to convince you to suddenly like "cookie monster" vocals but at the very least stop comparing it to singing for the love of god. We know.
2. Don't let typical metalheads ruin it for everybody.
Most out of the closet metalheads are dumb, ponytailed weirdos who live with their parents, smell weird and own way too many black clothes with grease stains on them. Fair enough. I can't explain that. But don't judge all of us based on a few ignorant apples. I love metal and the only piece of dark clothing I own is a sweater from the Gap. Judging all based on a few is basically like being a racist, you racist jerk.
3. Metal musicians are insanely talented.
Ok, let's say you just can't get past the vocals. Alright, point taken. But can we all agree that metal musicians are insanely fucking talented at least?
Look at this clip of Dave Lombardo from Slayer playing drums:
Nuff said.
4. It's not 1985 anymore.
I think a lot of people still have this mental image of metal bands as looking like douche bags from the 80s, with shitty hair and even shittier fashion sense. But in fact, very few leather vests are prominent in today's metal landscape.
These guys are a metal band. They are called Harvey Milk. They are awesome. No leather.
While we are on the subject of change, most metal bands of merit don't sound anything like Judas Priest or Megadeath or whatever your mind goes to when you hear the words "metal band". Some of the most original and interesting music being made right now is in the metal genre. Deal with it, Cate Blanchett! Download the new Kylesa album if you don't believe me.
Alright, that's it really. I realize I didn't change your mind. I'm not expecting to convert any new recruits. Truth of the matter is that metal isn't for everyone, maybe not even most. It's an acquired taste and it if appealed to everybody metal wouldn't be considered a subversive genre, this blog post would be pointless and we could all be chilling somewhere listening to Pig Destroyer right now instead of reading words on the internet.
Look, all I can really ask for, and the whole point of this thing, is to maybe get you to not roll your eyes when some dude on the bus is blasting Isis super loud on his headphones. Or not shoot down a guy hitting on you at the bar just because he's wearing a Mastodon shirt with some epic looking demon on it. And you should especially not be all into a dude for a couple of months and then stop seeing them shortly after they tell you they kind of want to bone while listening to Slayer. You know who you are, girl.
We're not monsters. It's just music.
Now let's all devote more of our time and energy into disliking a boring and stupid genre of music with no hope for redemption...like world music. You've been on top for too long, Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
