I know there are a million of nerd ass hipster music blogs out there probably raving about this album already but I HAVE to take a moment to acknowledge how fucking astounding the upcoming Animal Collective album "Merriweather Post Pavilion" is. I just got my hands on a leak of it and it is quite possibly the best album I have ever heard in my life. Honest to blog, guys*.
If you doubt me, please listen to the studio version of "Summertime Clothes" and tell me it's not a perfect Animal Collective song beginning to end. I mean, hot fuck. Also, "My Girls" is flawless. Ok, I'll shut up and leave the blowjobs to Pitchfork but unless you are dumb or retarded you will buy this album when it comes out and love the shit out of it.
So I decided I'm only going to post lists until the end of the year. Good thing we only have another day to go. Today is the top 10 things I regret doing in 2008:
10. Locking myself out while taking out the garbage and having to wait in the cold in my pajamas until my roommate finished taking a shower and actually heard the doorbell. 9. Eating at Taco Bell as much as I did. 8. Spending so much money on wigs. 7. Waiting so long to shoot our still unseen "prop 8" sketch. 6. Not telling coffee shop girl that being that religious is creepy. 5. Putting off learning how to ride a bike still. 4. Staring at that one girl on the bus that one time...I think it creeped her out. 3. Waiting until the last minute to renew my ID and being forced to take a 3 hour lunch break while I was held captive at the DMV. 2. Not doing more push-ups. 1. Not producing and marketing lambskin condoms called "Ewe Tubes". I could have been sitting on a gold mine.
Look, it's no secret that I'm a short man. At 5' 6 and half" I'm not exactly rolling in the ladies...so when I see or meet men shorter than me it usually makes my day (sadly). Here now are some famous men who are somehow shorter than me, god bless them.
1. Tom Cruise (5' 6") 2. Prince (5' 3") 3. Jimmy Pardo (5' 4") 4. Peter Dinklage (4' 5") 5. Napolean (5' 2") 6. Charlie Kaufman (5' 4.5") 7. Vern Troyer (3' 4") 8. Danny DeVito (5') 9. Marc Bolan from T. Rex (5' 5") 10. Dustin Hoffman (5' 6")
6. Marlon Brando in "Streetcar Named Desire" (token male pic so that I'm not branded sexist or homophobic)
Alright, I admit it...Marlon Brando was a pretty sexy dude. There, you happy womyn of the world?
5. Marilyn Monroe in "Some Like It Hot"
Fuck "7 Year Itch". For my money Double M never looked finer than in Billy Wilder's comedy classic.
4. Kate Winslet in "Jude"
Pros: Full frontal nudity, one of the most beautiful women to ever walk the Earth. Cons: The rest of the movie.
3. Zooey Deschanel in...pretty much every movie she's ever been in*.
What else is there to say besides "Ho-lee Sheeit". I mean, those eyes, those cheeks, those bangs....hot damn! Even "Elf" sucked less because she was in it.
*-except "The Happening".
2. Goldie Hawn in any movie she made before 1980.
Some co-workers and I once had a discussion about what we do if we had a "sex time machine"...a device that enabled you to go back to any period of time and sleep with anyone you wanted. The ladies overwhemingly chose "Streetcar" era Marlon Brando (see above) and the menfolk were pretty evenly split between Marilyn Monroe (pre-overdose) and Bettie Page for the most part. I was branded a heretic because my pick was late 70s era Goldie Hawn. Yes, go on laugh. Yuck it up. Sure, now we know Goldie as some botox filled Hollywood wash-up but in her hey day...dear God. I mean, look at that face! Imagine if Kate Hudson looked like 8 times hotter than she does already. Go on, IMAGINE IT! If you aren't attracted to her then you are either gay or in a coma or in a gay coma. SUX 2 B U. If you don't believe me just behold the clip from "Foul Play" above but ignore the creepy albino dude...there's nothing sexy about them.
1. Michelle Williams in "The Baxter"
This is by far the most attractive a human being has ever looked on camera. Ms. William's performance in Michael Showalter's directorial debut single-handedly did 2 things for me: one, made me obsessed with bangs on girls and two, turned Michelle Williams from "that one chick from Dawson's Creek" into my standard answer to the question "which celebrity would you most like to put your penis inside?". Her turn as Mike Show's (eventual) love interest is equal parts vunerabilty, hipster sex appeal, bookish charm all served from a perfect pair of lips. Note to women of the world: wear your hair like this please k thnx.
It sounds like an urban myth but I assure you it's true. I'm at a public library right now and on my way to the bathroom I spotted no less than 2 middle aged men looking at hardcore pornography on the computers here.
Now, look, I'm no prude. I swing with the best of them. I like my porn stories ok but in a library? It just seems to go against the idea of a library. It's just a quiet and sterile environment with little kids picking out storytime books with their parents and old people reading old timey books with magnifying glasses. But at the same time...I don't believe in cenorship or telling people they can't look at dirty pictures. I'm no....some famous censor type person.
So I was thinking about this moral quandary and I came up with a solution/idea. Porn Libraries. They are just like normal libraries but all the books are erotica, the magazines are porn mags and the computers have filters on them so that you can't look at anything BUT porn. And it's all completely free. None of this quarter booth shit. It's a public service for lonely dudes. Who is with me? PORN LIBRARIES IN 09!
The Fleet Foxes are definitely overrated. Pitchfork just named gave them album of the year. WTF, guys? It's a middle of the road album at best.
Yes, I am from Seattle and hell, I've even met the dudes from Fleet Foxes. They are nice guys. Their music is OK but...just OK. The new Of Montreal record, Alopecia by Why?, the new No Age record, Abe Vigoda, Lil' Wayne...all better candidates for record of the year if you ask me. Sigh. I wish I wasn't full of so much hate.
I'm getting this tattooed on my back next year. Cool, huh?
Also, for any of you bloggies that live in Seattle I will be hosting the Maldives annual Christmas Show at the Tractor Tavern on Saturday, Dec. 20th. Besides the Maldives the bill includes The Moondoggies, The Battle Hymns and Jack Wilson & the Wife Stealers. I will be doing a cover of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" with another heterosexual man. Should be fun. Come if you can. 9pm, 21+, 8$.
So when a girl you want to sleep with calls you "buddy" that's a bad sign, right? Like "Hey, buddy! How are you?". It means she's trying to signal to you that she wants to keep it nice and platonic. That's how I see it anyway. Unless I am reading too much into things. Maybe not though, it's hard to convey the tone of the comment properly in only text. I'm no Frank Caliendo.
Miss Cleo locking down some real future science shit.
In the calendar year of 2009 some heavy shit is going down in the FOJ universe, including but not limited to:
-"Real Adult Feelings": a new podcast from myself and Bobby -asking girls out and getting rejected -"The Doghouse": an original monthly webseries -eatings of many food items -"Dudents!": a made for internet movie -feelings of loneliness and isolation -a bevy of new sketches, commercial parodies, music videos and more
Young woman on her cell phone: Mmmhmmm...they say that but what if my baby don't like classical music? You know? I don't want no faggot ass baby coming out of the womb all singing Mozart and shit.
Well, Lindsay totally didn't win "Scream Queens" last night on VH1. She didn't even make it into the final 2. WTF? I sure do suck at guessing things. Oh, well. At least Tandedra won and not that stupid, stupid Michelle. Again, I'm totally ready to marry batshit-crazy-but-fine-as-fuck Jessica Palette. I mean, who doesn't google themselves these days. Damn, gurl.
On a completely unrelated note, I need to stop eating so much fast food. I feel like my stomach is going to walk out on me like a jilted lover. Sorry, tummy. SUX 2 B U.
Here is a list of the dinners I have made for myself (JUST myself) in the past week: - Pistachio pesto encrusted pork tenderloin with a mushroom and green onion risotto - Cream poached cod with roasted leeks over pasta - Medallions of balsamic marinated chicken breast over roasted garlic mashed potatoes and carmelized onions with carrots and mushrooms - Pasta with crab, green beans, carrots, peas, corn in a light cream sauce with homemade garlic bread
I either need a girlfriend or a very complicated hobby.
So I am Addicted (the capital A is on purpose) to VH1's latest reality show shitfest "Scream Queens" which might as well be called "Hot Women Crying" because I think in literally every episode one of the contestants breaks down into tears somehow, someway. It features a group of young actresses all competing for a role in "Saw VI" (how exciting!). My absolutely favorite girl, Jessica, (who I only liked, admittedly, because she was insanely attractive) just got eliminated a couple weeks ago and my second favorite girl, Angela, (who was the 2nd most attractive after Jessica) got cut last week. Bummer. Now the only people left are women who can actually act (Lindsay and Tanedra) and a mega-bitch that the producer's must only be keeping on the show to add drama (Michelle). I've always suspected that Lindsay seemed familiar to me and a quick peek on the imdb confirms my suspicions....
She was in "3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain"! Fuck. Why even bother trying to go any farther in "the biz". Just call it good when you get the role of "Jennifer" and get to share screen time with Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum. I think somebody is a little greedy. But nonetheless, I'm pretty sure Lindsay is going to be the winner. A google search of all the remaining contestants leads to Lindsay getting the most hits and she's like the only girl on the show with imdb credits post "Scream Queens" filming.
But anyways, just like to give a shout out to JESSICA PALETTE (hope you google yourself, girl) and say that you are FINE and you should move to Seattle and marry me.
If anybody wants to watch the finale with me on Monday, come on over, I'll make snacks.
Welcome to the official blog for the Seattle based comedy/film/video group Friends of Julius. Jason Ryan (writer/comedian) is the primary dude behind the group and therefore this blog is mostly his. We are extremely lazy but you can find some of our work on Vimeo and You Tube. Specific sketches and other assorted oddities are linked below.
