Public Enemy Number 1

Words cannot express how much I hate Frank Caliendo. Yes, he's just another mediocre fat comic with shitty material. But what sets Frank apart from your middle of road comedians (Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, etc.) is the fact that even most of his staunch critics give him the pass of "well, at least he does some good impressions". Don't believe me? Peep the quote below...

Quoted from a VH1 Blog:
"Say what you will about Frank TV (such as, “it’s painfully unwatchable”), but no one can dispute that Frank Caliendo is indeed a masterful impressionist".

WTF is wrong with people? Are they blind and deaf? He is the worst impressionist I have ever seen in my life. He's seriously one tiny notch above a painfully bad impression on purpose. Just putting on a wig doesn't make you sound like a different person. The "art" of impressions has slipped a lot since it's heyday when I was a kid. Rich Little actually sounded like the people he was mimicking and even though he was unfunny as shit, he had at least the impressions going for him. So watch old clips of Rich Little, check yourself before you wreck yourself and help me chase Frank Caliendo out of town with a torch.

P.S-I'm thinking about taking a cooking class.

News From My Spam Folder

Good evening, this is Patti Ann Browne. Our top story tonight...Meghan Nicole Shows Tiny Tits & Tight Cheeks. With more on this breaking story we turn to Carrie Nokamoto.


Yes. Good evening, Patti. It appears that this Meghan Nicole is the talk of the town. Authorities are being very tight lipped but we can tell you that according to inside sources Ms. Nicole is indeed showing what the press is calling "tiny tits". Friends and loved ones also expressed grief tonight that she is also showing tight cheeks in addition to the tits. Back to you, Patti.


Thanks, Toya. In other news tonight, it seems that Generik Viagra will save you from sexual loses. Now while this claim is currently under investigation for more information authorities strongly advise consulting http://footamovoffrain.com. And now with another update in his ongoing investigative report, "Scams-R-Us"...Bill Johnson. Bill?


Yes. Thanks, Pat. Tonight, I'd like to get a little personal for a moment. You see, it seems that I have 1 new message(s) in my mail box at russiandating.ru. And while this news doesn't suprise me I have to say that I wasn't even aware I had a mail box at this website or that it even existed. And when I attempted to read this message I was met with a series of graphic sexual images. Ladies and Gentleman, I advise you to keep your distance from russiandating.ru or any of these so called "mail boxes". Now with a look at sports, Garry Randles.


AMAZING NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF SPORTS MEDICINE, FOLKS. IT APPEARS THAT SCIENTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A WAY TO BROIL YOUR PENIS SIZE. According to Dr. Fung of gatsuta.com, "You are nervous because of your penis size. Women are laughing laughing at you.
Do not worry Mate. Now you have wonderful chance to solve this problem. Use best-selling cock enlargement. You will forget about you problem for sure". Analysists aren't quite sure what this means for the world of organized sports but I guarantee you it's going to be big. When asked about the impact such news would have on pro sports Dr. Fung had no comment.


Well, that wraps up another edition of News From Jason's Spam Folder. Before we go though we'd like to take a look at a story from the lighter side of today's news day. It looks like it was business as usual down at cialis4cheap where 85 year old Thomas Kincade celebrated his 65th anniversary with the company. Thomas said he has no plans to retire soon because "Cialis incredible price$ for be$t drug$!". Haha. You have to love his spirit. Goodnight!

Another Rejected McSweeney's List

Top Ten Names for Phở Restaurants I Want To Open Just to Use the Name:
1. Phở Nuff
2. Phở-Geggaboudit! (Phở/Italian Restaurant Hybrid)
3. Phở Sheezy, My Neezy
4. R U Phở Realz?
5. What-The-Phở?!
6. Knock Knock? Who's There? Phở!
7. Phở and Yoga: Together at Last (Phở/Yoga studio Hybrid)
8. Let's Have Some Phởn!
9. Hooked on Phởnics
10. The Phởutian of Youth

Mission Accomplished

So "Tales Of the U.S.S. Black Unicorn" is signed, sealed and delivered to the Stranger's Hump selection committee. Assuming they like it as much as we do it will be part of the Hump weekend October 24th and 25th at On The Boards. We might be counting our chickens before they are hatched but as our friend Paul put it "not only (do I think) you guys will get in, (I think) you'll win". Thanks, Paul.

There will probably also be a screening party sometime between now and then at a venue of our choosing. Stay tuned for that.

As far as coffee girl goes, slight progress has been made. I know her name and I've made her laugh several times. Now to grow some more hair, get a few inches taller and shift some leagues higher. That should be easy enough.

I came up with a new joke for her as well:
"Do you want to run away together and open up our own little coffee shop that's all R. Kelly themed and that also sells maternity clothes? We will call it "Just a Little Bump N' Grind".

It's Like Listening to a Taller Irish Version of Myself

Except for the reverence for George Carlin (never been a huge fan) and...ok, so I don't have kids and an ex-wife but listening to Louis C.K. in this interview is like hearing myself on tape. At least in regards to the whole "controversial words" and politically correct stuff. I have a total bro-ner for this dude and he is probably the best living stand-up comic. Suck on that, Don Rickles.

Listen and enjoy and feel one step closer to understanding me.

LOUIS C.K. ON THE SOUND OF YOUNG AMERICA

They don't call it editing for nothing

So last night was yet another long night in the editing suite hashing out details and getting into heated arguments about things as silly as "we should have a shot of you puking" and "let's just cut out the part where the ninja girl pumps her arms in victory".

Needless to say we didn't expect comedy to be such serious business but every detail counts. As Sam puts it our goal at this point is to cut out the middle of the road shit and just fire on all cylinders. We are trying our best and I know we will only get better as time goes on.

There are definitely some great moments so far and we are dying to show it to people. Stay tuned for clips. We'll try our best to put up some stuff by next week.

I'm Not a Playa I Just Crush a Lot

Artist's rendering of barista crush (only not as hot)

Crushing is like an artform. You can't get too attached but you want enough "umph" to make it interesting and provide those butterflies. It's like a delicate chess game with charm and metaphors in place of bishops and pawns.

Or some shit.

There is this girl that works at a coffee shop by my office and she is one of the cutest people I've ever encountered. My friend Katie thinks she looks like an 18 year old Iranian girl but she's just a college aged white girl with black hair. Chicks, man, chicks. I am working up the nerve to ask her out cold but fear the usual forms of rejection (has boyfriend, is lesbian, thinks I'm too fat, etc.)

So in order to "infiltrate her perimeter" I've been crafting subtle yet charming coffee based material. Such as:

What do you call a cow who's just given birth?
De-calf-inated!

This coffee tastes like dirt! Was it ground recently?

This coffee must have done some bad shit or stayed out late or something cause I think it's hella grounded.

Why do the Lakers drink their coffee black now?
Cause KAR-EEEM isn't on the team anymore.

Who's fat and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut.

Are those coffee grounds on your apron or are you just happy to see me?


Why did the lady with saggy boobs feel a burning sensation on her left breast?
Cause her tits were sagging into a giant pot of coffee.

You know what me and coffee have in common?
We are hot, rich, black and can keep you up all night (and give you heartburn on occasion)

What do anal sex and black coffee have in common?
If you overdo them it makes you poop a lot.

What do you call a morning without coffee?
Sleep