Artist's rendering of barista crush (only not as hot)
Crushing is like an artform. You can't get too attached but you want enough "umph" to make it interesting and provide those butterflies. It's like a delicate chess game with charm and metaphors in place of bishops and pawns.
Or some shit.
There is this girl that works at a coffee shop by my office and she is one of the cutest people I've ever encountered. My friend Katie thinks she looks like an 18 year old Iranian girl but she's just a college aged white girl with black hair. Chicks, man, chicks. I am working up the nerve to ask her out cold but fear the usual forms of rejection (has boyfriend, is lesbian, thinks I'm too fat, etc.)
So in order to "infiltrate her perimeter" I've been crafting subtle yet charming coffee based material. Such as:
What do you call a cow who's just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
This coffee tastes like dirt! Was it ground recently?
This coffee must have done some bad shit or stayed out late or something cause I think it's hella grounded.
Why do the Lakers drink their coffee black now?
Cause KAR-EEEM isn't on the team anymore.
Who's fat and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut.
Are those coffee grounds on your apron or are you just happy to see me?
Why did the lady with saggy boobs feel a burning sensation on her left breast?
Cause her tits were sagging into a giant pot of coffee.
You know what me and coffee have in common?
We are hot, rich, black and can keep you up all night (and give you heartburn on occasion)
What do anal sex and black coffee have in common?
If you overdo them it makes you poop a lot.
What do you call a morning without coffee?
Sleep
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